Download the Ignitor Translator
- Anger based reaction
- Covers hurt or scared feelings with anger
- Strong protectors for others, most reactive when they feel unprotected.
- Key for conflict: an Ignitor's anger is the signal to take a break and cool off. Try a solo lap, or two, around the house.
Download the Amplifier Translator
- Emotion based reaction
- Responsibility on others for comfort or resolution
- Helps others access emotional experience through music/art/dance
- Key for conflict: an Amplifier's heightened emotions are the signal to take a break. Try finding music for a good cry.
Download the Negotiator Translator
- Connection based reaction
- Values peaceful interactions and supports that for others
- Elevates self into role of parent / teacher / counselor
- Key for conflict: a Negotiator's pacifying is the signal to take a break. Try acknowledging own feelings before engaging again.
Download the Analyzer Translator
- Logic based reaction
- Dismisses emotions if they don't seem justified
- Thoughtful analysis can produce creative solutions that benefit everyone
- Key for conflict: an Analyzer's point-for-point argument is the signal to take a break. Try a logic puzzle or Sudoku.
Download the Extinguisher Translator
- Detachment based reaction
- Can escape into work, TV, hobbies to avoid conflict
- Finds it difficult to engage once they feel overwhelmed
- Key for conflict: an Extinguisher's overwhelm is the signal to take a break. Hit pause anytime but always set a time to hit play again.
Why the Fight Languages matter
Because 52% of Americans report feeling lonely. 1
Because 47% of Americans report their relationships don't feel meaningful. 1
Because 58% of Americans report that they feel like no one knows them well. 2
Because loneliness has the same impact on your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 3
And the Fight Languages are a shortcut to spark life changing connection.
Understanding your Fight Language means you make more sense to yourself. You better understand what you need and how to get that need met. Other people start making more sense. You are better able to understand them. Tension fades and connection flows.
Are you an Extinguisher trying to connect with Amplifiers? Feeling overwhelmed, needing to shut down, and wondering why you can't connect? Then it's time to find other people that speak your Fight Language so you can finally feel connected in safe and meaningful ways.
Are you an Ignitor trying to connect with a Negotiator? Feeling like they're trying to placate and control you? Then it's time to learn how speak their Fight Language and pivot the conversation in a more productive direction.
Whether you're learning to speak your own Fight Language, or someone else's, this is the spark that will have you feeling more connected as it transforms every aspect of your life.
Quick Translator Videos
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I have more than one Fight Language?
Absolutely! You might even have a little bit of all five. Here's why:
The closer an argument gets to our core wound, we will have a different protective Fight Language come forward to keep us feeling protected in the argument.
You might start as a Negotiator. Then if the person doesn't accept your help to resolve the conflict, we might switch to the Amplifier Fight Language to make your emotional state SO BIG that a person can't help but become engaged.
I used to be one Fight Language, but I feel like it's changed.
High five for personal growth!
Maybe you used to show up in fights as the Ignitor but lately you notice you tend to bring the Analyzer energy to conflicts. This lets you know that the protective shield of a quick and aggressive end to the conflict isn't needed anymore. You've built enough trust with yourself and the people around you to stay in the conversation and try logic-ing your way through.
As you continue to grow and understand more about yourself, don't be surprised if your Fight Language shifts again.
What does "fighting with yourself" mean?
It's the acknowledgement that we are often the biggest antagonist in our lives. And the external conflict we engage in, is a reflection of the internal conflict we were already fighting.
In other words - you're an Amplifier and all day long you're judging your emotional responses, making yourself justify them, doubting your emotions, and generally putting your emotional side down. Then an Analyzer comes along and says "yeah, it's just that your feelings don't really make sense for the situation."
This person just personified the internal conflict that you weren't even consciously aware of. And correcting ourself? Difficult. Correcting someone else? Much more satisfying.
This is why I am a huge proponent of learning how to fight better with yourself (not minimizing, not shaming, not justifying your experience) to have the biggest effect on conflict in all your relationships.
Is this like the Love Languages?
If the Love Languages are how we express the way we want to be loved, then the Fight Languages are how we express the way we want to be understood.
I'm overwhelmed. What do I do now?
Just start with awareness. Take a deep breath and start noticing the internal dialogue with yourself.
If you want more info on your Fight Language, you can download the Quick Translator.
Take a deeper dive into understanding the Fight Languages by downloading the Fight Language eBook
If you want to become fluent in the Fight Languages, get on the email list for upcoming workshops and classes
If you want to stop fighting with yourself, book a 1:1 session with me.
Stay tuned for the upcoming Fight Language Coach certification.
Does this mean you don't fight anymore?
Here's the thing, fighting isn't bad. It's an exchange of information, and yep, sometimes we do that in harmful ways. But conflict is actually pretty neutral. We have a cultural and societal suggestion that says all fighting is bad and should be avoided at all costs. The reality is though, that conflict is normal, an incredible source of information, and a part of daily life.
My goal isn't for you to stop fighting. My goal is to make your fights productive and have everyone involved feeling more understood.
What's your personal Fight Language?
I used to show up as the classic Negotiator. As I've done my own work with the Fight Languages, it's actually the Amplifier that I find myself expressing the most. Years of being told my emotions were "over the top" means that Amplifier side got muted to a last resort. My final pull-the-rip-cord strategy is the Extinguisher, but I've rarely deployed it.
Why haven't I heard about this before?
I know, right?
When I first started mapping out the Fight Languages I thought it made too much sense to not already be in existence. But here we are, on the new frontier of making conflict productive and understanding how we have been protecting ourselves all along. Thanks for coming on this incredible ride with me!
What's Alaska like? I've always wanted to go.
Not really related to the Fight Languages, but I do get this one a lot.
Alaska is amazing! 10/10 recommend. You should definitely come visit. Except in January. We're all trying to get out of the state in January. Feel free to invite me to your event scheduled in January, especially if you live in a warm climate.
Let's Get Together
Interested in bringing the Fight Languages to your next workshop, corporate event, or retreat?
Fight Better WorkshopInquire Here
The perfect addition to any training or group event. Learn about the Fight Languages and how to navigate conflict in a new way.
Fight Better TrainingInquire Here
Dive deeper into the Fight Languages and learn how to bring this information back to your team. Perfect for management and instructors.