fight languages

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    Find out what your Fight Language is...

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can I have more than one Fight Language?

Absolutely! You might even have a little bit of all five. Here's why:

The closer an argument gets to our core wound, we will have a different protective Fight Language come forward to keep us feeling protected in the argument.

You might start as a Negotiator. Then if the person doesn't accept your help to resolve the conflict, we might switch to the Amplifier Fight Language to make your emotional state SO BIG that a person can't help but become engaged.

What do you mean by core wound?

This is a trauma you experience as a little kid that was so painful that you have built protective shields to keep yourself from getting hurt in that way again.

Some common core wounds are:
"I don't matter"
"I'm not worth understanding"
"People will be mad at me"
"Nothing I do is good enough"
"The people you love always leave"
"It's all my fault"

I used to be one Fight Language, but I feel like it's changed.

High five for personal growth!

Maybe you used to show up in fights as the Ignitor but lately you notice you tend to bring the Analyzer energy to conflicts. This lets you know that the protective shield of a quick and aggressive end to the conflict isn't needed anymore. You've built enough trust with yourself and the people around you to stay in the conversation and try logic-ing your way through.

As you continue to grow and understand more about yourself, don't be surprised if your Fight Language shifts again.

What does "fighting with yourself" mean?

It's the acknowledgement that we are often the biggest antagonist in our lives. And the external conflict we engage in, is a reflection of the internal conflict we were already fighting.

In other words - you're an Amplifier and all day long you're judging your emotional responses, making yourself justify them, doubting your emotions, and generally putting your emotional side down. Then an Analyzer comes along and says "yeah, it's just that your feelings don't really make sense for the situation."

Engage fireworks!

This person just personified the internal conflict that you weren't even consciously aware of. And correcting ourself? Difficult. Correcting someone else? Much more satisfying.

This is why I am a huge proponent of learning how to fight better with yourself (not minimizing, not shaming, not justifying your experience) to have the biggest effect on conflict in all your relationships.

Is this like the Love Languages?

If the Love Languages are how we express the way we want to be loved, then the Fight Languages are how we express the way we want to be understood.

I'm overwhelmed. What do I do now?

Just start with awareness. Take a deep breath and start noticing the internal dialogue with yourself.

If you want more info on your Fight Language, you can download the Quick Translator.

If you want to become fluent in the Fight Languages, get on the email list for upcoming workshops and classes

If you want to stop fighting with yourself, book a 1:1 session with me.

Stay tuned for the upcoming Fight Languages eBook and our Fight Language Coach certification.

Does this mean you don't fight anymore?

Here's the thing, fighting isn't bad. It's an exchange of information, and yep, sometimes we do that in harmful ways. But conflict is actually pretty neutral. We have a cultural and societal suggestion that says all fighting is bad and should be avoided at all costs. The reality is though, that conflict is normal, an incredible source of information, and a part of daily life.

My goal isn't for you to stop fighting. My goal is to make your fights productive and have everyone involved feeling more understood.

What's your personal Fight Language?

I used to show up as the classic Negotiator. As I've done my own work with the Fight Languages, it's actually the Amplifier that I find myself expressing the most. Years of being told my emotions were "over the top" means that Amplifier side got muted to a last resort. My final pull-the-rip-cord strategy is the Extinguisher, but I've rarely deployed it.

Why haven't I heard about this before?

I know, right?

When I first started mapping out the Fight Languages I thought it made too much sense to not already be in existence. But here we are, on the new frontier of making conflict productive and understanding how we have been protecting ourselves all along. Thanks for coming on this incredible ride with me!

Where can I get the book about this?

Coming soon! You can pre-order your ebook copy here.

What's Alaska like? I've always wanted to go.

Not really related to the Fight Languages, but I do get this one a lot.

Alaska is amazing! 10/10 recommend. You should definitely come visit. Except in January. We're all trying to get out of the state in January. Feel free to invite me to your event scheduled in January, especially if you live in a warm climate.

let's get together

Interested in bringing the Fight Languages to your next workshop, corporate event, or retreat?

  • Fight Better Workshop

    The perfect addition to any training or group event. Learn about the Fight Languages and how to navigate conflict in a new way.

    Inquire Here 
  • Fight Better Training

    Dive deeper into the Fight Languages and learn how to bring this information back to your team. Perfect for management and instructors.

    Inquire Here 

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